faulty memory

I had a dream lastnight that I wanted to remember but can't. It held some special meaning that I remember wanting to remember when I woke at 3am. I should have jotted it down like I said I was going to do instead of relying on my memory. I even keep a notepad and pen on my nightstand so when I wake with a thought or something I know I need to do, I write it down, in the dark, usually illegible.

My sister Kim says both our brains have organic brain damage (self-inflicted, of course). She's probably right. Remember the dopey guy, Jim, from Taxi, played by Christopher Lloyd in the 70's? Yeah, that's what I'm talking. (If you need a laugh today, click above and watch the video about Jim -- it cracks me up every time.)

I have to write everything down if I'm going to remember to actually do it. And then I have to remember to put it in an obvious place where I'll be sure to see it. Or else I need a visual reminder to carry with me until I do the thing, or else I forget.

Really.

If I'm cooking, I carry the spoon with me if I go into another room so I don't forget to come back and stir it. When I'm doing laundry, I have to put little notes here and there so I don't forget about the pants in the dryer (I like to fold them right away to avoid ironing).

Maybe some of it is organic brain damage, as my sister calls it, and maybe part of it is what happens when you're approaching 50 and still have children at home all day. Not a good mix.

on self-worth and comparison

It's a well-known fact that sometimes we find too much of our worth in our work.

Hay Harvest at Eragny, Camille Pissarro 1901

National Gallery of Canada, Ottawa, Ontario
Source: Wikipedia

We find it difficult to not measure ourselves or "prove" ourselves worthy by how busy we are and how much we get accomplished. A sure sign is when we start telling others they need to do more too, or do it better, or judging them because they're not living up to our standards.

Life becomes one big balancing act that teeters on a very thin rope, ready to fray and send us spiraling down any minute. We don't face it and stop our denial, and it oddly propels us to go even faster. More caffeine, please!

Lise Sewing 1866, Pierre-Auguste Renoir

Dallas Museum of Art

Some women seem to have it all together. The key word is "seem."

It's important for me to remember that the part of someone else's life I see is all I see. And it's usually a very small part.

Young Housewife, Oil on canvas.

The Russian Museum, St. Petersburg, Russia
Source: Wikipedia

"You can live a lifetime and,
at the end of it,
know more about other people
than you know about yourself."
~ Beryl Markham

I think maybe an accurate addendum to the above would be, "think we know more about other people..." All I see is all I see.

I want to be a true friend who accepts others where they are, and be there to support and encourage them on their journey when they need it. Not give un-solicited advice telling them they need to be like me, or tearing them down instead of building them up. A fine line sometimes. I know I need help in that area. And admitting is the beginning of growth.

Join Emily and others at Imperfect Prose on Thursdays. You have GOT to read her post from today on "Boys with Clown Noses." Get your box of tissues ready.

living in gratitude

"Only when we are no longer afraid
do we begin to live in every experience,
painful or joyous,
to live in gratitude for every moment,
to live abundantly."
~ Dorothy Thompson

I came to the realization that I was trying to live out other people's ideals.

It had less to do with God, and more to do with other people's perceptions of what they think God wants and what they personally think is the only way.

Self-deception. It's so natural and easy to live in denial.

The fear of man.

"God is on my side;
I will not fear:
what can man do unto me?"
(Psalm 118:6)

Emily at chatting at the sky talks about grace for the good girl here.

I was a good girl gone bad, then I was trying to be "good-er" than good, and now, well, now I'm just trying to be real and genuine. Some people have farther to travel than others.